In my life I have formed attachments to men and women that all hold significance for me. I have experienced quite a bit of grief and loss from those attachments. I won't recount them all. Most notably, perhaps, of the attachments to women are my childhood friends Crissy and Noel, who moved away from home at a young age. Perhaps it was my closeness to Noel that made me cautious of making new friends. I have to feel a certain sense of trust or safety when I am with someone before I can begin to bond with them.
One of the deepest losses I experienced was with my friend of 33 years, Ginny, who died after a few years of fighting sickness. I grieve for her still today, as I have not met anyone I trust enough to be my friend in the capacity that she was my friend. No one will ever replace her, but nowadays it is about finding the girl who won't stab you in the back or use you more than it is about finding a girl you can trust with your secrets.
Of the men in my life, there have been a few more to touch my heart. There is a place in my heart for several of my childhood friends, and it will always be there...in a safe way...a way that allows me to grow and foster relationships without questions dangling in the air. My first broken heart was Jason, and to this day, we are friends. We don't speak much out of respect for my marriage. Jason has never been one to play in another man's ball park. We remain friends just the same.
There are others from school who will always hold a special place for me. There is a warm hug for and from any of them as soon as we see each other. Most of them are married. All of them seem happy. To them I am the little sister. The bond is strong, and I am grateful for it.
At one point in my life there was a man that I would do anything for. He had but to ask, and it was done. Never had a I fully trusted a man as much. I come from a line of strong women. With the exception of my grandfathers, the men in my life played secondary, not partnership, roles to their wives. I had this jilted understanding of how relationships should work. But I had to trust a man fully to surrender to him. This particular man and I never worked out, as life would have it,(my second heartbreak) and he is married now. The last time I saw him was when his father passed away. It was a few years ago before I got remarried. The sense at that time was he had a life back home and a wife, but we both clung to the few precious moments we had together that were spent in his mom's front yard with our friend Jason.
Enter my husband. No greater heartbreak had I ever had. JJ and I were sweethearts in middle school. We found each other again after marriages and kids. At the time he was single, and I was married. We ran into each other at the grocery store. He would become engaged a few months after that to a girl he met that day. I would get divorced a year later, and his engagement would fall apart...we had not any contact other than an encouraging comment on facebook every now and again. We would meet up again at the local hospital. I was no stranger to visiting hospitals, and Ginny was in and out of them, but it was his first time. He had no visitors, no one staying with him. He was scared. I took the bait. By the time I got there his kids were already there, seeming to have gotten the same plea for help that I did. I decided to visit anyway, and there in that room, it was as if two very old and comfortable friends had reconnected. We were inseparable since; however, unbeknownst to me, he had not fully relieved himself of the baggage that came with the previous relationship. Three months after we began dating, he broke up with me to return to his relationship with her. They had been in contact the whole while, and while I knew about some of their conversations, I did not know about all of there conversations. Or rendeveuz. Or weekends together. Not long after they moved back in together did the phone calls start.
The worst months of my life were the five months they were together. He refused to let me go saying that he made a mistake and that she was going to leave him. On the day after Valentine's Day, she moved out. Jubilation!!
We began dating again. He worked double and overtime to prove that he was finally over her. Over the course of the next year their relationship would eventually kill itself off. He and I enjoyed our courtship. We had the best time of my life at that point. He doted on me and sang my praises to the world. He took picture after picture of us together...making memories, he said. He wanted to share our happiness with everyone, and we did. And it made others happy. And they were happy for me.
I loved him with all my heart. I would do anything for him. I would drop anything, even work, and be there for him if he needed me. This is only the second time I loved anyone like that. We would get engaged. We made plans to build a house, but things in his relationship with his family and the growing need to get my children out of a college town apartment drove us to purchase a home and move it on the property that he held. We had dreams together. We cleaned the property together. We worked so hard our hands wouldn't ball into fists at the end of the day and our muscles throbbed. One weekend he took me to dinner for my birthday. We walked like a couple of 80 year-olds ( no offense to the spry ones that get around) to the bar and climbed up on the stools to have dinner. We were so tired. But we were happy.
Finally came the day the house arrived, and we began the chore of moving all the furniture and boxes and clothes into the house. I began making the home comfortable for us. We ordered cable and wi-fi for the internet. We married a couple of months later. I saw it coming. And then his brother set him up on an on-line account for gaming. From that day forward, his priorities shifted. He began to build the deck on the front of the house. It took him days to finish the decking, but he never added stairs. The insurance company was on me to get the house compliant with their safety policies, but he wouldn't budge. He was too busy leveling up.
This went on for most of the year. The yard work was ignored. He had promised to remove all the scrap metal by Christmas, but Christmas came and went, and the scrap metal remains. The condition of our driveway, which he had worked so hard on to smooth out, has worsened over time. The grass has grown to be taller than the children. I joke that we need to bale the hay so that we can use it to sit on when we sit outside. Finally, in March of the next year, he put a deck on the back, but in December, the hand rails and safety rails are still left to be added. I have asked him to put them in place before the cold gets here and possible snow....and ice.
In October of last year I began teaching Sunday School at my church. And then it started. I was used to it from my ex-husband, but I didn't think this man that loved me so much would ever begin to accuse me of seeing another man while I was gone from the house during church time. Well, when they don't go they don't know...and I recognized it instantly for what it is...the devil himself.
And our relationship changed. No longer was he attentive. No longer did he take pictures with me and share our happiness on facebook. He began saying many times that he was leaving us, that he was divorcing me, that he couldn't stand it here any longer. He would toss around the idea that we were divorcing every time he got mad, which was more and more.
And then one day in late July he said that he was going to enjoy his family vacation and his Christmas and then he was leaving. My heart broke again...for the last time. We went on our vacation, and not once did he try to take a picture with me, but I forced him to pose in pictures I took. Not once did we take a walk on the beach together as a couple or spend any quiet time together...all the other couples did. He even mumbled something one night as he was drifting off to sleep about not being there much longer anyway. In October we had the fight again. This time he said that we would just not last because I was too serious...I'm not serious, I am just sincere. I don't kid around about things like divorce. I don't take it lightly.
As Christmas approaches and money is tight, he is more belligerent. He is constantly telling me I am stupid and I don't do things right. This is the love of my life who hasn't a kind word for me at all. I keep trying to make him happy, but it is to no avail. After all my efforts, I am starting to push back when he is mean to me...and he doesn't like it. This weekend he took his wedding ring off and threw it in a cup on the dresser. When I asked if he was through with me, he said, "No, I can't leave. We are too far in debt."
No kind words. No symbols of love. No quiet time together. No relationship. And here recently, no contact during the day, unless I initiate it. I am trying, but he doesn't want me to. No general. No dreams.
I'm left with nothing but the lie of what we once had. I wonder often now why he put so much effort into wooing me and loving me before. I wonder often what I did to change how he felt. I see it as the devil and pray constantly. The more I pray, it seems, the worse it gets for us. God is in control...and I am not. I cant make this man love me or act like he loves me. I can't change his priorities. I can just make it easy for him to leave by paying off all our debt as soon as we can and seeing then if he will stay because he loves me...but I don't expect it any more. I hold my breath every time he gets mad thinking that this is it.
As I told him the other day, my feelings for him have not changed. I still love him. My dreams have not changed. My priorities have not changed...but his have.
And after loving this man with my whole heart and trusting him and following him...I don't think I can do it again.
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