A Lesson Learned

Life will throw lessons at you when you least expect it. The devil will enter your home or your life, and you don't even realize it at first. Then you learn your lesson...and in the reflection process, you see that the devil has been there.  Did you not pray enough?  God is there for you to protect you from all evil, but sometimes, we learn from evil.

With my last blog, I had made a mistake. I did something that didn't turn out right, and although no harm was intended, real harm was done.  I learned two things in my reflection...and I learned them fast.

The devil has entered our house. The devil uses all sorts of mediums to get at you. The easiest thing the devil can do is throw something in your path that keeps you so busy you forget to visit with God..even for a little bit. Sometimes, the devil uses addictions and televisions and video games to grab your attention and keep it. A parent on her phone constantly checking her facebook account will not read her child a bed time story because she has waited until she is too tired to tuck in the child at night. She may be too busy watching her favorite episode of her favorite TV show to take the time to guide the child through night prayers...and we all know we are guilty of watching The Walking Dead and not wanting to be interrupted.

In our house, the devil has come in the form of the love of the playstation. While I agree that it is a nice bonding tool, and I have many friends who meet each other online and play together...it is a male ritual that women who cook and clean don't have much time for. But when the time spent on the playstation keeps you from guiding your children to be healthy, productive citizens in the world, you have spent too much time on it...at least the devil is happy.

Now, I have moaned about the playstation for months now.  In the last several months, I have seen the demise of my relationship with my best friend, my lover and my husband...all in one person. I have seen the yardwork remain untouched and the house without the proper outdoor appendages.  I have not nagged, but I have had the nagging sense ever since we first got the online account that our life as we had planned it was over.

When we moved up here we had a lot of work to do. We were committed to making it happen together. We were dedicated to our family and the goals we had set for ourselves. We had big plans. There was great respect for the man who would work long, hard hours and be out of town for days on end...and I had a job to do...to keep the household running when he was gone.

We each had the responsibility to remain faithful to each other when we were away from each other.  We missed each other when we were away, and we made a point to make each other a priority when we were together.

Last weekend, JJ declared a new kind of dedication. "I'm dedicated!" he exclaimed into the mic on his headset.  "I'm so GD dedicated, I take my s**t with me when I go on the road!"

The two sentences speak volumes.

No longer is he dedicated to his wife, his family or the house that he lives in. No longer does he love his life that he has made for himself, or the home that he lives in. It was his dream to live back up on the hill again, and we made it come true. Together. Now I am the only one who is living that dream. I am the only one keeping the place going, keeping the dream alive.

In the several weeks I have experienced large volumes of loneliness.  We have some moments where we seem to come together, and they are precious moments that I cherish.  But when he comes home from being on the road all week and the first thing he does is hook up the game system in the bedroom and don his headphones and say "Ok I'm here!"  There is something terribly wrong in our relationship.

The second thing that I learned was that the gifts under the tree, or the lack of them, or their dollar amount are no longer important to me. While I may have ruined our relationship forever by my bad behaviour, I don't think I would have ever done so if my "love tank" was full instead of empty. I take the blame for what I said, but what I said was out of unhappiness, and I charge him via the devil for my unhappiness.

Today he told me that I showed my true colors, that I am just like all the rest of the women in his life.  While I admit that my actions were in line with the exact way they acted towards him, I identify with what it was to drive them to behave that way....loneliness, feelings of disrespect, feeling that they no longer matter to him and are disposable...after being made to feel they are irreplaceable.  But if you treat all women the same, don't be surprised when  you get the same reactions and responses.  I will set myself apart from all those women, though. I love him.  I love him above myself.

In my reflection I have come to realize that I will do anything to have our relationship back to the way we began.  I would give anything to have a four-wheel drive and a playstation at the same time in my driveway...even though the gaming machine itself is not the root of the evil. I beg for Saint Michael to send his army of angels to guard my household from the evil that has rooted itself here. I worry every day that he will cheat on me or decide to leave me...especially now.  I will do anything to put it all right...even give up Christmas presents.  I no longer want anything I can open in a box. I don't care if he is able to buy me a gift or not, even though I know it is because of his own lack of motivation that has caused him to get this far without one.  I am prepared to take the silent treatment, the jibes, the nights of gaming and going to sleep by myself...if it means that going through such torture will bring me to the bliss I once knew.

I am prepared to suffer. And pray. I am prepared to fast if I have to. What will it take for us to get to where God intended us to be? A miracle...and I believe in miracles. God can do anything...it may mean that JJ has to want God to work on him...and I have to pray for that too.  I'm not trying to change a bad man to a good man...I am trying to get the good man back to where he was when we prayed together before we went to sleep. I am trying to get the good man to be in a place where he is right with the Lord...and I can't get him there, but I can pray. I can do right. I can love him unconditionally, as the others in his past did not.  I can set myself apart from them by not inviting others into our lives that mean to do us harm.

I can't make him want to take me to dinner, or want to talk to me, or want to go to church, or want to make me feel special, or want to clean the yard. I can't make him want to make me feel special again. I can't make him not cheat on me or talk to other women behind my back. He will do what he will...and I will do what is right. It won't be the first time I have cried myself to sleep thinking that I have not done anything wrong.

I made a mistake, I asked for forgiveness. He had done the same once before. I forgave him, and it took him a long time to prove he was really in love with me and not her. But he did it.  I only ask him to do the same...and I haven't cheated on him. I know that is what he is afraid of.

Dear Lord! There is that word: FEAR!!!  You know who is at the root of all fear.  Satan.

St. Michael pray for us!

I have said that the devil comes in when you are trying to do your best for God. I started teaching Sunday School again this year after three years of not being involved in my church. I told JJ just the other day that the devil comes at people when they try to get right with the Lord. I was just settling into my home and feeling happy, like it was my place. Now I live in fear JJ will leave me...or ask me to leave. I live in fear that his family will try to talk him into leaving  me, for they don't seem to like me anyway... I live in fear.

Dear Jesus, hear me!

Last night, at the conclusion of Clan Wars, JJ, my General, told me that their clan was ranked number three in the entire world.  Congratulations. You get no trophy, no money, but bragging rights, and while it is an impressive statistic that you ranked top third among the thousands world-wide that were gaming for five days straight, you have lost your rank in your own home with your family and your place as the General. Your win will get you no prestige here. Your accomplishments on the battlefield have earned heartbreak on the home front.

In the meanwhile, your wife loves you beyond measure and she loves you like Jesus does ( as you used to sing to me all the time). She longs to have her General back in command. She is willing to place herself in the submission of your command again as the leader of the household. She needs you to lead.