Wait and Believe

 One of the hardest lessons I have learned in the last couple of months is that what I think is great may be different from what God thinks is great.

While I stand behind everything I said in previous posts, God obviously saw something I didn't.  My friends kept telling me that maybe I was allowed to have just a taste of what a good relationship was like so that I would know what to look for with the next one and that I wouldn't just settle for anyone because I was lonely.

My mom said that maybe God didn't bring J J to me because he wasn't Christian. I thought on this for a moment. It is possible that God used me to bring some Chrisitanity to J J. While I wasn't able to be there to see it all the way through, maybe I planted a seed, which I have always felt was very important. 

It became evident to me as I burned the last effects of what little we had left together the amount of evil that had come between us. I don't know exactly when it started, but I know that the spiritual fight of good versus evil was not something that I could battle on my own. I  needed him to fight for the good and holy, and he cowarded down....and maybe he never really loved me anyway...so if you don't love someone, why fight for them?

I hope he finds happiness where he is now.  When people ask me what happened I simply tell them that the guy I loved died back in late August of heart disease.  Although the body is still walking around out there, J J, the one I loved, died. The person inside the shell of the body is not someone I know, not someone I want to know. I wonder sometimes what I did wrong to mess him up. He has told me that I never did anything wrong, well, to not have done anything wrong, I was surely rewarded....

And then, maybe there is a better reward out there that I am just not aware of. If you get all your reward on earth, what will you get in heaven?

So, with that said, I place this ad:

WANTED:

One man who is a real man. Who is not too proud to kneel before his God, the one God. Who is not afraid to fight for what he believes in.  Who is not pushed around by others, but who is not so macho that he won't listen to others.

One man who is a real friend. The best friend who tells me his secret fears and trusts me with them. On that I can tell my  secret fears to and know that he will not laugh at me or try to make me feel bad for how I feel. Who will ride with me in the vehicle and hold my hand as we go out into the world to face it together.

One man who knows how to love a woman with all honesty and sincerity. Who knows how to tell the truth, despite the fact that the result may be hurt feelings...but tells it with compassion and care not to break the heart.

One man who does for me as much as I do for him, not because I did it, but because he wants to.

One man who will lead and guide my children in the way of Christianity. They are tough kids, but they are good kids. They have lacked the love of a Christian father since the day they were born, and in all honesty, so have I.

One man who will be there for my kids on the sidelines of the soccer field or the desk in the classroom, wherever the need arises. Who will share the load with me when it comes to providing for them...not just money or clothes but experiences or advice.

One man that I can share my faith with, even if it is not his faith...but he should have a Christian faith. A man who will share his faith with me openly and not be ashamed.

One man who will share a love for music and Christmas and sports.

One man who is trustworthy.