1 January 2013 The
Flats
My dearest Maria,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am afraid I may have
frightened you with the hasty note I sent by wire earlier this week. Please allow me a moment to explain the cause
for such a cryptic message.
You know my situation with Mr~~. I was certain that our
situation was similar to that of Mr. Bingley and Jane Bennett in that we were
separated at once by unfortunate circumstances.
Because of our “violent” love for each other, and I borrow Miss
Elizabeth’s term here because there was nothing violent in our love, save for
how strongly our hearts were drawn to one another, which was obvious by our
actions of service and sacrifice to each other. I felt as if our new situation
was temporary, and I carried with me hope and faith that come with being in
love.
The new situation took a dangerous turn in November, and I
feared I had lost him forever. After a few weeks’ time Mr~~ contacted me again
speaking with more determination than ever that we should and would be
together, but we were still not able to until his situation had been resolved.
Despite the fact that we would not be able to continue our path of planning our
future until the resolve of the situation, he continued to contact me talking
of the future that we would have. We even met on occasion at various public
places, and we attended parties together.
Around Christmas, however, I began to feel his distance as I
once felt it before the unfortunate circumstance that separated us. Despite the fact that he ended every
conversation with declarations of love, I felt him growing away from me instead
of closer. The determination had left his voice and it seemed almost a bother
that he should even have to talk to me.
At one point I lowered myself to beg him to visit with me…no
motives intended. I needed reassurance
that he was still determined to have the future we were planning. After
promises to make arrangements, I received no visit and only silence. It was two
days before I would speak to him again.
Our meeting was not to see each other but for him to drop his
daughter off so that I could take her on an outing. He wanted to act as if
there was no space or time between us, no broken promises, that he had refused
me. He wanted to pretend that, while I couldn’t see, he wasn’t giving his
affections to someone else. Regardless of his reasons or motives, regardless of
his words, if he gives his affections to another, he is lying to me every time
he offers me anything but the truth.
I sent by wire on New Year’s that I hoped he found happiness
on his chosen path. I promised not to get in his way. His only response: OK.
It is obvious, sadly for the first time, that he can not
possibly love me. Living to please two
women can only mean that he loves neither of them the way he should. The dreams
he had for our future were only dreams that he had no intentions of making reality.
Once I began to see that he has never truly loved me as he once claimed, I
began to lose all hope in our future and all faith in the man I gave my heart
to.
You, dear friend, know me well enough to know that my heart
is not given freely. It has been years since I have allowed myself to truly
love to the extent that I did this past year—forsaking all others.
There are no words left to express my feelings for being so
badly used. Instead of Mr. Bingley, I had only found Mr. Wickham.
My feelings have yet to grow cold and my pillow is yet dry, but
my heart is broken in more pieces than ever before. Please join the saints and
angels in praying that all is not lost and there is someone for me that will
love me in the way that God intended a man to love a woman. Please pray for me
that the connection that once caused my eyes to sparkle and dance will once
again find its way to my heart. Please pray that I will be protected forever
from those who only want to use me to meet their own end.
Affectionately yours,
Miranda
1 comment:
Girl that was beautiful! Full of pain and hurt but beautiful. I only wish I could write like that. There is a man out there that God has waiting. We just have to remember that we are on God's time table not ours. Much love and prayer!
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